It has occured to me that I have been living someone else's life.
Let me explain. This year has been hard for me. No, not as hard as it has been for others, but not easy either. I've had alot of downs...more downs than ups. For a long time, there was this gnawing pain in my chest. However, instead of looking down, reconizing and treating the source of the pain...well I was running away. Away to another girl's life, which seems ridiculous when I think about it.
I feel like I've let Fiveplay dominate my personality and my sense of identity. Don't get me wrong, I love NERO. However, where is the line drawn.
This is what I mean.
1) When an event is coming up, I'm the first to get into character and the last to get out of it. I can't seem to just switch back.
2) When I talk about Fiveplay, it is always in the first person. It is never "Fiveplay did this.." it is always "I did this. This happened to me." etc.
3) In game turmoils and romances mess with my out of play perceptions.
Lately, I have been doing my best to step out of thats girl's boots. After all, her life is full of things I don't want. I don't want a dead beat baby's daddy, I don't want kids right now, I don't want the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I have made a good change to referring to Fiveplay in the third person.
I mean, I am Ashlyn. The Ash, the Dark Majesty...The Jade Eyed Beast, the Shadow Beauty. Okay, maybe the last three are giving me a little too much credit but you see my point. I am Ash and I need to love that, cherish it, be fuck off proud of that.
I had a very deep talk with Darryl recently and he put some things into perspective for me. The fact is, I know who I am and I know what I am not.
I am NOT a miserable human being.
I am NOT a waste of human flesh
I am NOT a husk of a human being.
I am NOT a sniveling coward.
I am a woman full of Love.
I am a woman full of Feeling.
I am a woman of Beauty.
I am a woman of Strength.
I am a woman who has Courage.
And what I have come to realize in the last few days is that it isn't the horns that make me beautiful, sexy, confident or strong. I don't need the horns to make people notice me, to captivate people, to make people laugh or enjoy my company.
If anything....I make the horns sexy.
In the next few days, I will be taking a new batch of photos. However, this time I will not be Fiveplay.
It is time for the world to see Ashlyn. Its time for me to be happy with who and what I am.
It's my time to shine like a star.
[Just so we are clear. I am not planning to quit NERO. I will, however, be showing up at less events to concentrate on getting into college, getting a new job and spending time with my friends outside of the game. Love you guys, but I need to concentrate on my real life and I've been running from that for too long.]
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- The Difference Between Us