I think this will be my last post. I haven't really touched this place in a long time and it's importance has declined from me greatly. It is time to close the chapter on Satyrsdance. It has been fun but in this journal are so many things that had outlived their time and should be placed to rest. So this is the end for my LJ experience. I will still blog occasionally but mostly, the need to record my thoughts every moment of the day has gone out of me. Perhaps because it was so intrensically tied to my teenage years that it went on for so long. Teenage and young adult. However, I find myself almost 25 and I want to move on from this. I won't be deleting my journal but I won't be posting in it any more after this.

I will still be making my occasional blog on Myspace.

Good Bye, Lj. It's been a blast.

Below are 12 lines from 12 different songs that stir me (i.e make me smile, tear up, laugh manically etc.)

1. "You make me feel out of my element, like I'm walking on broken glass."

2. "A little something just to take off the edge, a little more and I'll fall of the planet entirely."

3. "What they say, won't make us go away."

4. "I can't tell where your love ends and where your lust beings."

5. "I'de like to be the one to pull you through your darkest times, I love to be the light that finds you."

6. "Give me your kings, let me squeeze them in my hand."

7. "Here we belong, fighting to survive in a war with the darkest powers."

8. "I'm sick of this sickness; don't touch me, you'll get this"

9. "When we kiss, I'm hypnotized."

10. "And Mother I've tried, over and over and over to open my eyes."

11. "And if you're strong enough, together we can take the world apart, my love."

12. "Help me understand honey, why you've give into all these dark desires."

It has occured to me that I have been living someone else's life.

Let me explain. This year has been hard for me. No, not as hard as it has been for others, but not easy either. I've had alot of downs...more downs than ups. For a long time, there was this gnawing pain in my chest. However, instead of looking down, reconizing and treating the source of the pain...well I was running away. Away to another girl's life, which seems ridiculous when I think about it.

I feel like I've let Fiveplay dominate my personality and my sense of identity. Don't get me wrong, I love NERO. However, where is the line drawn.

This is what I mean.

1) When an event is coming up, I'm the first to get into character and the last to get out of it. I can't seem to just switch back.

2) When I talk about Fiveplay, it is always in the first person. It is never "Fiveplay did this.." it is always "I did this. This happened to me." etc.

3) In game turmoils and romances mess with my out of play perceptions.

Lately, I have been doing my best to step out of thats girl's boots. After all, her life is full of things I don't want. I don't want a dead beat baby's daddy, I don't want kids right now, I don't want the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I have made a good change to referring to Fiveplay in the third person.

I mean, I am Ashlyn. The Ash, the Dark Majesty...The Jade Eyed Beast, the Shadow Beauty. Okay, maybe the last three are giving me a little too much credit but you see my point. I am Ash and I need to love that, cherish it, be fuck off proud of that.

I had a very deep talk with Darryl recently and he put some things into perspective for me. The fact is, I know who I am and I know what I am not.

I am NOT a miserable human being.
I am NOT a waste of human flesh
I am NOT a husk of a human being.
I am NOT a sniveling coward.

I am a woman full of Love.
I am a woman full of Feeling.
I am a woman of Beauty.
I am a woman of Strength.
I am a woman who has Courage.

And what I have come to realize in the last few days is that it isn't the horns that make me beautiful, sexy, confident or strong. I don't need the horns to make people notice me, to captivate people, to make people laugh or enjoy my company.

If anything....I make the horns sexy.

In the next few days, I will be taking a new batch of photos. However, this time I will not be Fiveplay.

It is time for the world to see Ashlyn. Its time for me to be happy with who and what I am.

It's my time to shine like a star.


[Just so we are clear. I am not planning to quit NERO. I will, however, be showing up at less events to concentrate on getting into college, getting a new job and spending time with my friends outside of the game. Love you guys, but I need to concentrate on my real life and I've been running from that for too long.]

Never have I been more offended, shocked and furious in my life.

There are a few things I have come to expect about job hunting. Long hours of filling out applications and very few returned calls. I have not, however, expected blatant sexism when dropping off a resume at a prospective place of employment.

Yes, sexism. Today I was told by the attendant at "Modern Ages Tobacco and Gifts" in Athens, GA that "we aren't looking to put a female on night shift because we've been robbed in the past." He went onto explain how "it isn't a personal thing against me, but the owner wouldn't put his own wife up here and he wouldn't want to do that to anyone else's wife or girlfriend either."

I barely contained my outrage as I left the store. Never mind I worked 4pm-10pm just up the street at Rite Aid for goddess knows how many years.

And yet "the area is dangerous".

I was livid and the first thing I did was send a letter of complaint to my local free newspaper. For an insult to me as a woman is an insult to all women.

I will not stand for such an insult, good intentions be damned.

Oh little black haired girl. Where is your heart? Your jade eyes catching the silver light of a theurge's moon. Whispering prayers against your silver seal; insight but a kiss away.

Wishing Everyone a beautiful holiday season!

Character Meme!
1. Choose a few of your own characters. Five at the most.
2. Make them answer the following questions.
3. Then tag three people.
4. Feel free to go ahead and add some questions yourself!



How old are you?
"One Hundred and seventy-three years old"
"Um...well...ah 28"
"Thirty"


What's your height?
"5'8"
"Taller than Sticky"
"Average for my gender"

What are you?
"A GhoulHunter"
"A GuildMistress"
"A Solider"

Do you have any bad habits?
"Only if you consider sexism, racism and being elitist bad habits"
"I fall for bad guys..well evil guys."
"I worry too much for my trade"

Are you a virgin?
"No, I have a lifemate thank you."
"Once upon a time, a long time ago"
"Yes and thats the way it stays"

Who's your mate/spouse? If not, got anyone in mind?
"Fleetfoot Buck, my wildhearted Celestial scholar"
"Mate? Well Ota'Taseva is my lover."
"No"

Do you have any kids?
"Not yet. My profession leaves little time for reproduction"
*eyes fill with tears" I did...
"Excuse me?"

What's your favorite food?
"Meat and no matter what Buck says I'm swallowing it whole. End of discussion"
"I've very fond of sweets, like pies and cookies. I love apples and a breakfest of sausage biscuits and gravy"
"Favorite? I'm happy for one bowl of soup"

What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
"I'm not fond of cold food."
"Strawberry!"
"What?"

Have you killed anyone?
"Yes."
"Not, officially. It's very bad for business, you know. But I figure my top priority is to look after the experience of the best part of my clientèle, and if someone is being a flaming tool and knocking over the tea bowls, or making insulting comments during the dancing, or handling my girls like biscuit dough, or pawing through other clients' things, what can I do but roll his or her body out the back door with or without personal effects and/or a spirit attached?"

Do you hate anyone?
"Yes and I will not rest until I've dealt with them."
"Would you like a list? How about Mayhem, Akoya, Arquen, OceanRider, Tidus, and on occasion, Coto."
"No."

Have any secrets?
"No."
"I used to think so, but it seems everyone on Tyrra knows my business lately."
"Only one."

Do you love anyone?
"I love my lifemate and my Rosewidow family."
"Yes...people like Riven, Blue, Sapphire, Coto and Alabaster."
"..."

What is your job?
"To purge the stench of Undeath from Tyrra's noble face."
" I'm the Head GuildMistress of the Massuese's Guild of Mydyre"
"I'm a 1st Tier Warden of House Sylune"

Boy or girl?
"I find both genders attractive, but I ended up with a male. Go figure.
"I have found love and pleasure in both."
"Either makes a fine solider."

What do you do to relax?
"I never relax. Eat, Sleep, Hunt. Its what I do. Every so often though, I like my primary feather's stroked.

"Go swimming in the nearby river or lie in a field of flowers."

"A pint of beer and my old friend by my side."

What's something that you like?
"The smell of crisp winter snow in Zamora or the lingering honey scent on Buck's breath after a cup of mead."
"I like butterflies....and unicorns...dragon's breath and taint blood."
"My shield."

Where do you like to sleep?
"Anywhere with my lifemate."
"Inside of ward or circle of power, with Ota'Taseva by my side."
"Anywhere sandfree and warm."

Where were you born?
"Zamora."
"The Mystic Woods, Northern Evandarr in a valley known as Erryn Falls."
"Shimez."

There is a chill in the air tonight and the moon gets bigger every day. It swells and the smell of the air makes me shiver in delight. Fall time, no wonder everyone loves it. Nothing compares to the beautiful of Autumn, especially Autumn night. When its just chill enough to wear one long sleved shirt. I can't believe in two weeks I'll be married. It seems so surreal. When I was a little girl, I thought it would be forever until I got married. Now, I have just a few weeks before I take another step down life's road. Time...how it slips away from us.

I love him so much. Nothing could replace this feeling.

As for the weekend, its nice to, everyone once in a while, do something on the weekends that isn't NERO. I love the game, but it was so much fun spending the day with Sarah, Josh and Bri. Bri and Sarah have lovely places, though I could never give up the dark and elegent woods, the song of a soft wind and crickets in the darkness. City living is nice, but nothing beats living in the woods. I look outside in the dusk light and see deer grazing in my yard, the blur of a white tail vanishing into the woods when they spot me. I sit outside on my porch and stare at the weeds of purple and white flowers glowing in the gibbous moon light. My cats mill about my feet, Hydra perching on my knee and Echo playing about my arm. I reach out and pluck Chimera and kiss the tip of his nose. I am at peace.

Oh....I am so in love.

Always,
Ashlyn

So, Randy called me a week ago, demanding a cake. Well, not really demanding, more asking and he said I didn't have to, but like I can say "no" to Randy anyways. So I'm racking my brain for the kind of cake he wants. See, he said it was a "Bunt Cake" and last time I brought him a Bunt Cake. Well, even though he thought it was a lovely and delicious cake and all, its not what he meant. He's looking for some kinda of cake that has cream in the center of it. I'm not sure if its viened or pipped or what.

So this is a shout out to all my kitchen whitches! Girls, chocolate cake, creamy inside. Can ya get me a recipe in the next 24 hours. I NEED It!


So I'm going to try to figure out that, I've made lots of jewelry for the Darkwater Stuff Swap happening at the event saturday morning. Its all really nice stuff, that I've actually made!

I've created my own recipe for cake style snickerdoodles and boy are they a hit with the boys!

So I still need to finish packing and finish my baking for the event. I'm gonna make cupcakes in addition to cookies, because they are super easy. I'm also gonna make a cake for Lucias, because I promised to in-game. Red velvet with cream cheese icing.

Man, I'm a busy mystic wood elf.

)Ash(

So last night's dinner was stellar. I came up with a great idea for my left overs. The night Sunday night I made puerto rican pan-braised chicken. It was delicious, but I had alot of the sauce (multi veggie and spice mixture) left over.

I also had alot of breakfest steak left over from when we did steak burger night at the game. So, I took my veggie heavy sauce and placed it in my blender (my new love) with two cups of chicken stock. I blended until smooth and returned to my large a saucepan. I added black beans and the sliced up steak from the other night. I also added a little more red pepper flakes.

Into this soup I place two tablespoons of white rice. It was fastastic and it reminded me alot of my mom's food growing up.

Well, I'm off to drop Nat off at work and go hang out with Morgan and her mom. See ya!

_Ashlyn_

I've gotten my foral arrangements done, bouquets have been done for months, and I'm making pew decorations today, tonight and tomarrow. I want to get all of this stuff done before the MTN event, so I don't have to worry about it while I'm running around as Fiveplay.

Bri called me yesturday and I was so excited. We hardly get to talk anymore! So we babbled and I'm so excited about going to Helen with her, Sarah and anyone else who is interested. Molly and Vicki should so come with us.

_Ash